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Ten Things My Heroine Will Never Tolerate & My Hero Would Never Dream of Doing to Her in Their Relationship

A P von K’Ory

Writing New Adult steamy romance novels, I lend words to some pretty “hairy” relationships. Conflict by the heaps because that’s what it’s all about, or I wouldn’t have a story readers want to devour.

But all roads of the character arc preferably lead to HEA, right?

So when the HEA is reached, my heroine is aware that there are still rules to adhere to because we’re all very different individual beings. Compromises must be made where called for. I never allow my heroines to make sacrifices or tolerate anything purely to “make him happy”. Nor do I let her suffer in silence “in the name of love”. Secretly, I actually believe that my hero has the “duty” to be the one making sacrifices and being tolerant to make her happy. Yes, I’m totally woman, old- or new-fashioned. I love those doors being opened for me, I adore being helped out of and into my coat, or having hubby and his male friends rise and button up their jackets when I enter a room, or when I get up to go powder my nose. And when I come back from the powdering too, of course.

I’m not a fan of misogynists in whatever veiled shade, shape or inclination. I’ve seen my bestie heartbroken and in bitter fights with her own child because the pubescent girl (thank internet and our smart kids) asked mother dear whether rape, beating, tying up, burning with candles and letting the boy/man wrap his hands around her throat and choke her was the norm in sex? And was that how dad and mother dear made her? The girl, in resolute disgust, swore off sex forever.

But I do get weak-kneed and love strong dominant men who are perfect gentlemen – until they get to the bedroom.

That said, my heroines don’t fall into that trap so many women end up in: That when he does something good or loving, it cancels out all the bad. Like in real life, that never works in the end, it simply becomes a habit and with that comes resignation. Mutual consent is not the equivalence of a restaurant’s “all you can eat”. I make sure my heroine has an alternative ‘safeword’ for “this isn’t what I thought it was or imagined it would be like”, when a situation crops up that hadn’t been anticipated and shouldn’t happen in any circumstance. A heroine’s consent isn’t “all inclusive”.

And compromises are not made solo.

Here are ten things I make sure my heroine’s man would never, ever dream of doing:

1. Prince Charming or Bad Boy, he’d never hold her past against her.

2. Despite his family, himself or (if he has them with someone else) his children, she remains his Numero Uno of all Numero Unos. She comes first and at his side when he needs to take care of the family, children, or needs some alone time for himself. She’ll never be the spare wheel, never left in the back seat. 

3. He’d never wrinkle his nose, accuse her or call her names because of her sexual desires or preferences. Of course she’ll tell him about them. It’s where the relationship runs healthy on mutual compromises.

4. Likewise, he’d never expect her to fulfill all of his fantasies. People are too individual as human beings and will never end up with a loved one who is precisely like them in the fantasy department. 

Even while angry, he’d never turn that anger on her by belittling or humiliating her. If he’s stewing within, he’ll still treat her with respect. He’d never talk down to her or speak to her with total disregard of her feelings. Even in a BDSM relationship, fundamental humanity is prerogative in the couple’s shared life. It’s why people describe it as “role playing”. Shared normal and everyday life and love isn’t role playing.

6. He’d never toss the I’m-not-talking-to-you BS at her. I’m personally very averse to withdrawal as a form of physical and emotional punishment and I project this on my heroines. Whatever stress, quarrel or disagreement he’s had with her or with someone or something else, using coldness as punishment is one of the unhealthiest traits in a relationship. In a non-toxic relationship, he’ll tell her why he wants to be alone, however long that might be. She might fret with concern but she’ll be aware of the reason why he wants his privacy.

7. He’d never be frivolous or cavalier about her feelings. A man intent on a healthy relationship will not discount her feelings constantly, making her wonder if there is something wrong with her.

8. He won’t make fun of her in front of friends. My heroine jolly well knows the difference between fond teasing and malicious commentary, however jocular.

9. He’d never skirt around soothing her fears or insecurities. Instead, he’ll help her face her fears head-on particularly after a confrontation between the two of them, or a nasty situation or occurrence that unsettled her. The unhealthy man doesn’t have time to make you feel better, nor does he care why you’re upset. I never let my heroine tolerate any of this but rather speak out about her feelings on the subject.

10. My heroine will never tolerate a selfish man. A good loving man can give back without any selfishness wedged in. He wants to give her his all, and is willing to give up what doesn’t make her happy. He wants to be his best self to her. He’s healthy enough to take but also give back, and ready to apologize if he acts selfishly. Best of all, he’s ready to change his behavior exclusively for her happiness.